I love sliders. Whether it’s the Krystal burgers of my college nights or White Castles over on Harlem Ave., there’s something about the combination of steamed beef, caramelized onions, sharp dill pickle slices, and melted artificial-as-hell American cheese that speaks to my very soul.

Notice I said nothing to the terms of “fried-ass tilapia with house-made chipotle aioli.”
In the interest of addressing the regrettable fad of recent years, I’d like to have a moment between you and me, to exhibit my wealth of experience and let you know what a slider is. And more importantly, what it isn’t.

A Slider is …
- … a square beef patty, about an eighth of a pound, steamed over onions on a hot griddle.

A Slider isn’t …
- … a tiny burger on a stale bun three times the size of it.
- … a chunk of past-its-prime seared tuna and bad imitation wasabi.
- … chicken anything.
- … meant to be served in a “flight,” for fuck’s sake.

Sliders are great. Unfortunately, once the TGI Fridays of the world figured this out, they decided anything designated so would be equally awesome. Not so.

I get that making a bunch of individual patties and steaming them in a crowded skillet may not be your thing, so I’m going to share a trick my mom taught me for making a goodly amount of sliders in minimal time. It’s not 100 percent classic, but it is, indeed, a slider, and you can knock out a couple dozen in the time it takes to watch an episode of Magnum, P.I., which is my default measure for anything awesome.

Call it a mini burger if you must, but at least it’s not a hunk of tuna on a cold roll with some slimy cole slaw. If not an authentic griddle-top slider, it’s classic style at least – an acceptable shortcut if you believe in such things. And I do.

The Setup

- 1 1/2 lb fresh ground chuck/shortrib mix
- 2 medium yellow onions
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 tbsp Worcestershire
- Seasoned salt
- American cheese
- Mustard
- Dill pickle slices
- King’s Hawaiian rolls
- Olive oil

Cooking

1. Preheat oven to 400.

2. Peel and thinly slice one of the onions into half-circles. Saute with olive oil in a small pan over medium heat until lightly browned, about 5 minutes. Remove.

3. Line the bottom of a 9×9 baking pan with the cooked onion slices.

4. Season meat and add garlic and Worcestershire, taking care not to overwork. Press into the 9×9 pan, spreading evenly to the corners.

5. Bake in oven for 20 minutes. Top with American cheese slices.

6. Meanwhile, peel and dice the second onion. Add another tbsp of oil and cook, stirring occasionally, until onions begin to dry out and crackle. Pour a couple tablespoons of water into the pan and cook until onions again begin to crackle. Repeat, adding water and reducing, until you’ve got a dark brown super-reduced sweet onion jam.

7. Return to the oven for one minute, until cheese slices melt.

8. Remove from oven, loosely cover pan with foil, and rest 5 minutes.

8. Slices meat into roll-sized squares.

9. Serve Hawaiian rolls with mustard, pickles, and caramelized onions. Try not to breathe on anyone’s face for at least a couple hours.