Welcome back to Eating My Feelings: 16 Weeks of Tailgating the Chicago Bears. It’s ManBQue’s coverage of the 2014 Bears season, in which I attempt to use food and beer to counter rage and depression.
(I take football too seriously)
Last Week – L, 23-20 (vs. Buffalo)
0-1 Overall (3rd, NFC North)
17th in Team Offense
18th in Team Defense
I’ve hit existential dread in Week 2. That has to be a new record. Thanks to last week’s performance, I’m having 1990s Bears flashbacks and wrecking my bedroom like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now.
The Bears defense, led by sentient ham sandwich Mel Tucker, played like a unit that had collectively eaten some spoiled rib tips at Old Country Buffet and was just now feeling the results. I spent most of the first half angry-eating pizza and chasing that with pitchers of Miller Lite from taps that had last been cleaned during the President Gerald Ford years. OT came, Chris Conte got double-punked by AARP member Fred Jackson, and everyone left depressed.
Fun fact: After Conte’s gimme interception in the second half, someone at the bar where I was watching started a “CON-TE (clapclapclap) CON-TE” chant. Unironically, mind you. If you see this man, throw a cinder block at him. How is literally anyone on any team’s practice squad not capable of blowing coverage and getting trucked by fifth-tier running backs at a slightly lesser rate?
This Week – vs. San Francisco (1-0, T/1st, NFC West)
I have no particularly fond memories of the 49ers, but they’re not super-high on my hate list. I’d say the most vivid memory was watching walking concussion Steve Young and his Fabrege skull lay the wood to the Stan Humphries-led (wha?) Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX. And I remember that mostly because they got there by scoring 37 unanswered points on the Bears in the divisionals that year. I checked, by the way, and Chris Conte was only 5 years old at the time and thus probably not to blame. I suppose the bright spot is that the Niners had some terrible years and things eventually got better. Though I suspect they didn’t do so by bringing on a defensive coordinator who ranked in the top 20 in the league exactly once in his career.
The Niners have personnel problems, losing Aldon Smith (suspended), Novarro Bowman (ACL/MCL), and broadcaster Ted Robinson (raging asshole). But they looked real damn good embarrassing Tony Romo last week. Oh, the Bears might be down Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffrey, Robert Garza, and Matt Slauson.
Hey, hockey season starts soon, right?
Embarrassing Childhood Photo of the Week
Evidence that watching the Bears didn’t always do this to me.
You know what San Francisco has? A lot of pretentious urban foragers, some really cool Chinese food, and sourdough bread. I’m simplifying, but this completes most of what you need to know about their cuisine for football-related purposes. In recognition of this, I present the 49ers-inspired dish from the Windy City Live segment I appeared on prior to Super Bowl XLVII (Conspiracy Blackout Bowl!). It’s a delicious open-faced collection of various California stereotypes. It also started a trend of picking the losing team to create a Super Bowl dish for – the most egregious example being the Broncos last year and my Colorado Pot Pie (I’m hilarious).
The recipe’s right here, courtesy of our fine friends at Windy City Live and ABC-7 WLS. It looks long, but it’s actually just “marinate steak, grill, and serve on a sandwich with mayo and chopped up stuff. Easy as running for 100 yards on a Mel Tucker defense.
Prediction (Season record 0-1)
Much as I hate being THAT cynical jag in Week 2, I fear this is going to get ugly. You, know, again. 49ers, 34-13.