When it comes to being dreadfully alone on the holidays, I know a thing or two about a thing or two. This year I’ll be spending Christmas Eve in a U-Haul moving all my shit across the country, and subsequently spending the night at a strip club in West Virginia. What? It shares a parking lot with the Sleep Inn I’m staying at, and last I checked, the Bob Evans family restaurant nearby doesn’t have strippers.
So yeah, unending sadness is part and parcel for this time of year. That’s why I’m here to help you make the most of spending your holiday alone.
This is pretty obvious. If you’re going to go it alone, numbing yourself with the sweet, sweet power of booze is a given. You know all those beer commercials where they tug at your heartstrings, showing a group of friends in comfy sweaters laughing while they enjoy pints of whatever near the hearth? Fuck that – you’re gonna be crushing a suitcase of PBR and practicing your skyhook with the empties.
Liquor before noon is also perfectly acceptable during the Holidays. Trick your morality and sense of decency with this simple life hack: start off with some amaretto-coffee drink. Something that would be smiled upon in the spirit of the season. After your body has gone “oh, okay. I suppose this is acceptable,” bodyslam it with a pint of Easy Jesus to the dome.
There’s no quicker way to completely dismantle the solid castle of self-pity you’re wallowing in than to come face-to-face with people who don’t have actual homes. For one, it’s way too sobering and on top of that, it makes you feel all sad inside but without the fun of getting there that drinking provides. Just do yourself a solid and stay away from anywhere that would help the disenfranchised.
I usually wouldn’t recommend this sort of thing, but Christmastime really is the perfect occasion to eat a bunch of mushrooms or commune with the elder gods in a one-person Ayahuasca Ceremony.
Think about it: the city is practically empty and covered in blinky lights! It’s the perfect psychedelic playground to get lost in without having to worry about running into another soul…
Don’t: Do Hallucinogens
….right up until you have a full-blown existential crisis. It will start off with seeing a Norman Rockwell greeting card of a happy family, which will in turn make you dwell on what a disappointment you are to yours. After reeling with guilt for a few hours…has it been a few hours? Or only seconds? Oh god, how long have you been standing here rocking in front of this closed storefront?
Sweet Jesus, we need to get off the streets. Like now. Jesus…this is Jesus’ birthday. The blood of the lamb that washed away the sins of man for us. He died for your sins, Kevin. And this is how you repay the gift of eternal life thereafter? With base debauchery? HO HO HO. YOU’RE GOING TO ROT IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL.
On everything. Food, drink, TV. Especially TV. Being alone for the holidays is a great chance to catch up on all the things you’ve been missing out on. Get a 100% completion on the Story Mode for Grand Theft Auto V while simultaneously listening to the first season of Serial, breaking only to devour a pizza that is for you and you alone.
Fuck a cup, drink your 2 liter from the bottle. Don’t shower and gamble with your flatulence because hey, who’s gonna know or care if you soil yourself? Make sure to sleep until it’s dark out and once you’ve finally come to don’t leave the house. Think of yourself as a low rent Omega Man.
Don’t: Go anywhere near social media
This should go without saying. Happy families, sentimentality, people listing all the things they’re thankful for- or even worse- doing the whole “this has been a very difficult year, but…” posts. That shit is for the birds. No, you’re the lone wanderer in the wasteland of Yuletide cheer, and you can’t be bogged down by such things.
So sojourn on, stoically. Ignore all group texts, phone calls, and cards that don’t contain money. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.