By John Carruthers, John Scholl, and Jesse Valenciana
We’re acutely aware that the very last thing you need is yet another holiday gift guide written by Internet people. We stand behind our original gift guide, but in 90 percent of other cases, these lists are either written to goose ad revenue (of which we have none) or showcase all the “cool” stuff the writer got for free (which we don’t). Your loved ones deserve better than that.
But what about your enemies? Jack from editorial who has a loud 20 minute conversation about his fantasy football team EVERY. SINGLE. MONDAY. MORNING. Tara from accounting who microwaves her leftover fish curry until it qualifies as chemical warfare. Smelly Bob from HR, whose name is pretty self-explanatory and also he’s racist. We created a list so you can find that perfect way to say “I despise everything about you.” And since a lot of this isn’t just crap but expensive crap, you also get some top-quality self loathing accomplished simultaneously.
Let’s take a look at the gifts you should get for the person who has everything, including your undying contempt.
Myron Mixon Pitmaster Grill Tool ($29.95)
Full disclosure – This is the item that started us down the hateful, hateful road that ended at this very article. My exact words upon finding this were “you have got to be shitting me.” Days later, that sentiment hasn’t subsided. If anything, I’m starting to wonder what meth’d out product manager approved this Klingon-looking piece of garbage. Why have three perfectly great and cheap tools (knife, tongs, and bottle opener) when you can have one horrible one?
Here’s my one-act play, titled I Hate This Stupid Knife For Idiots:[ACT I, SCENE I]
Andy: “Hey, I’ve been drinking around the pit all day and I need to open another beer.”
Dan: “Okay, here’s a knife with a vasectomy tool on the end”
Andy: [dies] [CURTAIN. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.]
This is clearly meant for younger relatives to unthoughtfully buy for a middle-aged uncle or dad who watches one of the TLC pitmaster shows. Give this to your uncle Ray and you’ll finally know why he’s so irritable all the time.
At least they priced it like TV-hawked crap.
Skymall is all about being able to make terrible shopping decisions while you’re a few thousand feet in the air and full of tiny bottles of Jack Daniel’s. And even by their own crap-hawking standards, they’ve outdone themselves here.
Why take a $2 wire brush and 3 minutes to clean your grill grate when a $129 future-machine can do it poorly in 20 minutes? Oh, and before that, you’ve got to wait for the grill to cool down first. Spend those 15 minutes luxuriating in your hatred of Grillbot. It’s surprisingly satisfying.
Festive Beard Ornaments ($9.99)
If you have a beard, all of your Facebook friends seem to assume that you want to dye it, glitter it, or put ornaments in it. So stuff like this hounds you during the Christmas season like the ghost of Jacob Marley. We’ve never met anyone who has done this, but maybe you know a lumberjack who is also a drag queen.
– John Scholl
One Gallon Flask ($58.99)
Are you trying to send the message that you’re a shameless alcoholic, or are you still wearing the JNCO Jeans that have the pockets large enough to hold it? You know what works great to carry a large amount of booze? The bottle it came in.
Sur La Table Adjustable Burger Press ($21.95)
The burger stuffer is perfect if you’re over 30, fell off your skateboard, landed on your head and hurt your brain enough to have forgotten how to use your hands to make and shape burger patties. Perhaps you always wanted to work the burger grill at McDonald’s but never made it past fry cook, regardless, here’s your chance to make the perfect, shitty burger every time!
Horny Toad Men’s Mixologist Shirt ($37.80-$72)
The Grill Sergeant BBQ Apron ($19.44)
Throw out out the trusty, “Kiss the Cook” apron and upgrade to something that will never leave your closet after your use it at one cookout in 3 years. This wonderful apron has a never-ending amount of pockets for condiments, water bottles, and grilling tools. You know, because tables haven’t been invented yet. Fear not, for this apron will not only make you uncomfortable, it also has a built-in six pack holder to bring your beer to the temperature of your own body before you share with guests.
Williams-Sonoma Panini Spatula ($11.97)
From the original kitchen store that proved people will buy absolutely anything if the salesman can keep a straight face. If you’re too uncoordinated to slice a sandwich, you probably should stay away from cooking in general.
The Best Salts in the World ($124.88)
Spoiler alert: They’re all sodium chloride. If trace minerals are worth the $121 gulf in price from Morton’s Kosher, you’re either a rich idiot or the Chosen One foretold in the Snack Prophecies.