Music Reviews (from the back of a box of Pop-Tarts)

Music Reviews (from the back of a box of Pop-Tarts)

There’s two things I love beyond measure in this world: music and Pop-Tarts.

I’m talking about the name brand toaster pastry. Don’t give me that bullshit icing-in-a-separate-pouch-strudel stuff. Don’t you dare posit to me that the Vundersnaks sold in the Eastern European aisle at the World Market are in any way, shape, or form, “better.”

Sure, drive your Hybrid car to the touchy-feely World Market to buy your sham of a pastry. And hey, while you’re there why not burn the American flag in the parking lot?


Our forefathers did not storm the beaches of Normandy so you could munch on fucking Vundersnaks. They did it for god-fearing Americans to enjoy their freedom over a breakfast of Pop Tarts, made right here by the Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company.


So while enjoying a breakfast of S’mores Pop-Tarts, I go about reading the back of the box (my equivalent of pursuing the Wall Street Journal). Immediately, I’m hit with a visually arresting image:

pop tart box

Usually I start my day with a long pull from a plastic pint of Old Crow while whispering my darkest secrets to the single bullet on my nightstand. But I guess the gift of music works, too. You’ve never done me wrong before, Pop-Tarts. Let’s see what you bring to the music world.

Daughtry- It’s Not Over

This guy won a singing competition; that concludes my knowledge of Daughtry. Anyhow, this is the first song Pop-Tarts offers me.

Your standard warbling butt-rock, this shit is kinda dark for the breakfast pastry crowd. A sample of the lyrics goes like this:

It’s not over.
‘Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me…

I think this goofnugget is alluding to killing himself, right? Or rather the poor songwriter who had to craft lyrics that would strike a universal chord with Assistant Managers at Great Clips locations across the Midwest is desperately crying out for help.

gret clips

Either way, this is a strong start to a balanced breakfast. Moving on…

Kellie Pickler- Going Out In Style

Okay, this song is definitely about dying. It says so it right in the title. The lyrics give you a really unique insight into the mindset of Ms. Pickler, insomuch as she’s a vapid excuse for a person:

Don’t be sad or broken hearted
Spread my ashes in the shoe department
Everybody knows that’s where I wanna be
Jimmy Choo, Saks Fifth Avenue

I guess this is one of those “she died as she lived” moments. Which is to say, “horribly and with no redeeming value  whatsoever.”

Hate to break it to you Kellie, but my strong Irish Catholic upbringing has firmly cemented that there’s only one place you’ll be spending your eternity.


Jesse & Joy- ¿Con Quién Se Queda El Perro?

Yeah, I got nothing here. Apparently the key Pop-Tarts demographic are those fixated with death and ESL students. Translating to “Who Gets the Dog?,” this song is a peek inside the most mundane breakup ever:

I finish packing up, thinking there’s no other way out
I leave the toaster and the CDs for you

Whoa. That’s some heavy stuff in any language. I’m starting to get the feeling that Kellogg knows their audience better than I originally suspected. Kid-friendly on the surface, but ultimately the chosen sustenance of broken men who know this is the only warm meal they’ll have all week.

never loved you

“Pop-Tarts: She’s Happier Without You!”

Conor Maynard- Turn Around (feat. Ne-Yo)

Finishing off our musical morning journey is Conor Maynard.


Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Too easy.  Plus he’s English, and I’m pretty certain committing libel would constitute an international hate crime or something.

I feel like I’ve already covered this particular breed of Man-Pixie for MBQ before. But yes, this is music for tween girls to discover their blossoming womanhood to. Or for men in their 30’s to snack on toaster pastries to while contemplating the events that brought them to this moment. Thanks, Pop-Tarts…you’re a cruel mistress. A cruel, delicious, mistress.


*Pop-Tart related Photoshops courtesy of the amazing Amanda Mastenbrook. Check out her non-pastry related stuff at Vintage Modern Love.


Add yours
  1. 1

    Thank you for reviewing (I would never accuse you of actually listening to) these songs so we don’t have to.

    • 2
      Kevin D.

      Just doing my job, sir. Interesting side effect of listening to that much bad music: every time I push the lever down on my toaster now, I hear the screaming of a thousand tortured ghosts.

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