Good morning! Well, probably more like afternoon. Evening? Jesus, you really went for it last night, didn’t you? Wow, I’m impressed.
So let’s take stock of things. Have you vomited yet? No? We can fix that quick enough…do me a favor and take a quick look at all the text messages you don’t remember sending. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Ah, there it is. Nothing like a tidal wave of crippling embarrassment and shame in the sober light of day to get last night out of your system in one giant Technicolor yawn. Now let’s get you on the mend!
For my money, the best cure-all for the ungodly hangover you’re feeling right now is my signature cocktail:
The Pedialyte Mimosa
Yes, Pedialyte. The same thing crying infants drink when they’re uncontrollably shitting all the hydration out of them. Face it: you’re really not much better than that right now, are you?
With this concoction, you get all the healing powers of an electrolyte solution for babies coupled with the restorative properties of $4 sparkling wine.
One (1) bottle of Andre Brut Champagne
One (1) bottle of preferred Pedialyte flavor. Choose Citrus flavor for the “Classic” or Grape flavor for “Lean.”
In a 12 oz. pint glass, pour four fingers of Andre Champagne. Fill the remaining glass with Pedialyte. Serve cold. Promise yourself you’re gonna get your life together. Repeat as needed.
Let’s move on to solids. For a day like today, we’ll keep it low-fuss with…
Bacon. Just Bacon.
It’s just bacon. You know it, you love it and you’re going to eat it if you ever want to feel human again.
Heat up a frying pan. Place bacon in pan. Cook to desired consistency. Eat bacon. Do we really need to tell you any of this? Exactly how much did you have to drink last night?
Alright, last step to achieving some semblance of sobriety. Bear with me here:
Yes, Midol. The same stuff that ladies take when they have their monthlies or ghosts visit or something.
“But Kevin!” you exclaim. “I aint no lady with lady parts and such. I’m a grown man and hur dur football hur dur!*”
Or hey, if you’d rather just suck it up and retain some antiquated sense of manliness, be my guest.
So that’s all I got. Please feel free to share your own hangover cures in the comments. Best of luck and Happy New Year, ya’ll!
(*According to Google, this image was grabbed from a show called “Modern Family” which seeks to actively do away with traditional bumbling-dude-tropes. I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. I just thought homeboy would look great Photoshopped on Conan.)