As someone who spends their free time writing dick jokes for a website about grilling, it should be apparent I’ve made some wildly bad life choices.
Among those choices, “How I’ve Managed My Money” ranks right up there with “She Looks Clean” and “Liquor You Have To Light On Fire Before Consumption To Make Sure It Won’t Blind You.”
That said, let’s celebrate crushing poverty with music that will mock us to the grave.
The only thing better than being relevant is being rich. For a moment in time, MC Hammer was both.
Now he’s the go-to punchline for jokes about mismanaging money, and we’ve all but forgotten the superior hilarity that is the 11th hour of Hammer, beautifully summed up in this picture:
That is the look of a man who has no idea that everything he’s worked for in life is about to burn to cinders. One day you’re just kicking it poolside with Neon Deon at your insanely specific “Big Asses and High Heels” fetish party, and the next you’re watching the bank repossess your leopard print Speedo collection. And really, who hasn’t been exactly in that situation?
Fuck Jimmy Buffett. Fuck him right in his “Life’s a Beach” shit-eating grin.
As the son of two Parrotheads, I spent the better part of my youth being exposed to this smug prick’s music.
He sells you on a fantasy of simple living, meager possessions, and flip flops for every occasion. He’d have us believe he wakes up every day in his ramshackle beachside dwelling and fishes for his dinner before pounding a cold one from the cooler situated next to his hammock.
What a nice, carefree existence! I guess you really don’t need money to be happy!
Right. Ever been to a Buffett concert? It’s doctors and lawyers as far as the eye can see. People to whom money is no object, getting shitfaced and singing their hearts out to songs about an idealized lifestyle devoid of money.
So while I have to calculate to the exact day how much money I can spend on basic living necessities before my account is overdrawn, this fuckface is wistfully crooning “If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.”
Thanks, Jim. I’ll remember that next time I’m wiping my ass with paper towels because I can’t afford toilet tissues until the 15th of the month.
Here’s a fun experiment you can try at home! Simply open up Spotify and search for “Get This Money.” You know who’s trying to get this money? Every rapper ever, and Jamie Foxx (I have to believe that’s a typo and should instead be “Got This Money”).
While the goal is certainly ambitious, there’s no real advice given about exactly how to get this money. From what I’ve gathered, it involves equal parts Grinding, Hustlin’, Staying Posted Up in The Trap, and Stacking Paper. So uh, just do that I guess.
Really, this song is just a reminder that even kickboxing Draculas need to pay their taxes.