These Go To 666: Counting Down The Songs Of The Devil.


These Go To 666: Counting Down The Songs Of The Devil.

There was a time in my life where all it took was a black trench coat and Marilyn Manson t-shirt to get pinned as a Satanist. Truth be told, I never much subscribed to any fantastical deity, but it seemed to do the trick of granting me that air of mystery I so desperately wanted to cultivate. Suffice to say, it did not work.

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Nowadays, inverted crosses and pentagrams are pretty in. Saunter over to the Pitchfork Music Festival this weekend and take a drink every time you see a 5’3 girl in mom jeans wearing a t-shirt featuring some bafflingly chic-yet-evil imagery. You’ll be vomiting overpriced Goose Island before you can say “I liked their earlier stuff.”

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With that said, you know what time it is. Break out the black tea candles you shoplifted from Micheal’s Arts & Crafts, cue up the Iron Maiden, and lock the rec room doors. We’re conjuring up a look at the best musical offerings to Satan on this mortal plane.

Behold!

DMX- Damien

Before running naked through hotel hallways, further alienating his estranged son, and all other manner of bizarre fuckery, DMX was a rapper. Quite a good one, at that. One need look no further than the debut “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot” for proof.

A fast-paced, angry, and schizophrenic look into life in the hood, this Ruff Ryder regales us with stories of drugs, murder, and bitches, all while cruising through Yonkers on a tricked out 4-wheeler.

Also, there’s that time he pledged his allegiance Satan.

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“Damien” tells the tale of a Faustian Pact made with the dark lord. Assuring DMX he’ll propel his career to yet-unheard of heights, all is good for a time. It’s only until Damien starts asking for “favors” that things go south.

DMX is a man of principle.  On the subject of murder, “it’s always over dough,” X insists. Still, silver-tongued Damien turns DMX into a one-man tidal wave of retribution using such clever lines as “come on, keep it real.” Tough to argue with that.

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As a scholar of all things DMX-related, I’ve oft contemplated the life of our hero and have reached the conclusion that he is not prone to flights of fiction. To be clear: I don’t think he made a deal with the devil. I absolutely think he believes he is in league with Satan, though.

Charlie Daniels Band- The Devil  Went Down to Georgia

Of course this was gonna be on the list. But not for the obvious reasons one would assume.

The song tells the story of local hayseed named Johnny playing his fiddle, when the Devil appears and challenges him to a duel. After trading licks, the Devil is defeated and Johnny exclaims “I done told you once, you son of a bitch—I’m the best that’s ever been.”

Now while that’s an awesome line to scream at a bar when this song comes on, it belies a terrifying truth.

Consider this: Johnny, whom has nothing better to do all day than sit around in Bumblefuck, GA, is approached by a demonic entity whom he bests with relative ease. On the surface, this is a tribute to the greatness of mankind in the face of evil.

Or rather, the greatness of one man. Johnny. Here we have a person who wields power that defeats The Fallen One in just a few plucks of a fiddle. Just imagine if Johnny ever got fed up with Obama’s America and decided to unleash this unholy talent upon an unsuspecting populace.

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While we all may fear the Devil, I posit that the true horror in this story is our new overlord Johnny.

Sacrifyx- The Dark Book

If there’s a better fictional film featuring a made up band whose album unleashed a fake ancient evil, I’ve yet to find it.

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For those of us that grew up in the 80’s, “The Gate” was a one-way ticket to pissing your pants at a slumber party and forever being known as “Eats Too Much Asparagus DeLury.” It tells the story of the band Sacrifyx, and how backmasking their album is a surefire way to destroy the property value of your home.

Sacrifyx, along with being competent musicians, were also scholars insomuch that they were able to inscribe demonic incantations into their liner notes and album sleeve artwork. I can only imagine how that meeting with the label guys went.

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Unfortunately, all members of Sacrifyx died under mysterious circumstances. “The Dark Book” is their only album. But if you really wanna impress the girl at Unholy Empire Fridays with how CVLT you are, just tell her you’ve got a first run of the Sacrifyx LP.

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Pretty much every pop song ever, depending on who you believe.

Okay, truth time: when I pitched this, I thought it would be a slam dunk. Writing a bunch of halfassed jokes about devil songs? No sweat.

But looking at what other listicles out there have done, it’s kinda slim pickings. Of course every one of them has “Highway to Hell,” “Running With The Devil,” and so on. Basically, some writer just listed his iTunes playlist A-Z by song and that was that.

So in my painstaking research to give you the caliber of time-wasting idiocy you’ve come to demand, I stumbled upon a whole genre of satanic-minded music enthusiasts I never wanted to know existed.

That’s Rhianna, exposed for the Satanic Illuminati mouthpiece that she truly is. And it’s just not Rhianna. Everyone, and I mean everyone is apparently part of the New World Order to herald in the coming of the Antichrist.

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In retrospect, maybe I should have led with this. Hrm. Okay, I’m calling a mulligan and we’re gonna start this from scratch. Ready?

“Hey there, faithful reader! Wanna know the best songs that give praise to the devil? ALL OF THEM. NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM. CORPUS SATANI.”

The end

Wow, that made my job much easier. Thanks Satanic Illuminati!

 

 

(**Photoshops of The Damned courtesy of Amanda Mastenbrook**)

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    necromancer85

    Sacriphyx the dark book is an unholy piece of black thrash that was way more intense then any prominent metal band of then and now there is nothing more kvlt than the first press of that album limited to 0.66 copies haha. Rumor has it that tom warrior of hellhammer and Celtic frost fame heard the rough mixes of the dark book back in 1987 he supposedly pissed and shitted himself from the sheer intensity of the music and the demonic creatures that appeared from being conjured up by the music. This was what ultimately caused TG warrior to wimp out and thus recorded the horrid “cold lake” album in 1988 which is one of the worst albums ever. Tom wanted nothing to do with any type of morbid tales and he sure as fuck isn’t going to any mega therions following this traumatic incident in 1987. Of course this was kept underwraps in the underground scene for the most part but the news did make it to Sweden namely quorthon of bathory fame who played satanic black metal on his first 3 albums but played what happened to tom cautiously and knew it was best for bathory to go the Viking metal route to avoid the same traumatic episode which was bestowed upon tom warrior. Due to the fatal potential of the dark book album it was erased and appeared as a fictitious band in the movie ” the gate”. None have dared to go to the lengths that sacrifyx did, bands like Sodom, slayer, possessed, kreator and venom dabbled into demonic incantation early but got the fuck off of it when they realized its fatal potential. Of course the afformentioned bands deny ever being real satanists, think why? Sacrifyx took it to a level that has never been topped and thus the band payed the ultimate price as they all died mysteriously perhaps they’re in sumeria side by side with ancient ones no one will ever know for sure. The only band that may have been able to match sacrifyx is the cult death metal band from Texas called “necrovore” who released a legendary demo entitled ” divuus De mortuus” which got almost unianomously praised in the underground. Morbid angel was terrified of them, necrovore were schooled in demonic incantations just as sacrifyx were. They went into the studio in 1988 to record a proper album but the producer was terrified of their potentially fatal intensity of necrovore’s music and was constantly defecating himself out of sheer fear of their music. Many supernatural occurrences started to happen and the recording was aborted and much of their material was never recorded who knows what may have happen perhaps the seven gates of hell would have opened. The are still alive so they never topped sacrifyx but definetly had the potential to match them. Nothing is more kvlt than that muhahahahaha

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