These Go To 666: Counting Down The Songs Of The Devil.


These Go To 666: Counting Down The Songs Of The Devil.

There was a time in my life where all it took was a black trench coat and Marilyn Manson t-shirt to get pinned as a Satanist. Truth be told, I never much subscribed to any fantastical deity, but it seemed to do the trick of granting me that air of mystery I so desperately wanted to cultivate. Suffice to say, it did not work.

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Nowadays, inverted crosses and pentagrams are pretty in. Saunter over to the Pitchfork Music Festival this weekend and take a drink every time you see a 5’3 girl in mom jeans wearing a t-shirt featuring some bafflingly chic-yet-evil imagery. You’ll be vomiting overpriced Goose Island before you can say “I liked their earlier stuff.”

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With that said, you know what time it is. Break out the black tea candles you shoplifted from Micheal’s Arts & Crafts, cue up the Iron Maiden, and lock the rec room doors. We’re conjuring up a look at the best musical offerings to Satan on this mortal plane.

Behold!

DMX- Damien

Before running naked through hotel hallways, further alienating his estranged son, and all other manner of bizarre fuckery, DMX was a rapper. Quite a good one, at that. One need look no further than the debut “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot” for proof.

A fast-paced, angry, and schizophrenic look into life in the hood, this Ruff Ryder regales us with stories of drugs, murder, and bitches, all while cruising through Yonkers on a tricked out 4-wheeler.

Also, there’s that time he pledged his allegiance Satan.

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“Damien” tells the tale of a Faustian Pact made with the dark lord. Assuring DMX he’ll propel his career to yet-unheard of heights, all is good for a time. It’s only until Damien starts asking for “favors” that things go south.

DMX is a man of principle.  On the subject of murder, “it’s always over dough,” X insists. Still, silver-tongued Damien turns DMX into a one-man tidal wave of retribution using such clever lines as “come on, keep it real.” Tough to argue with that.

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As a scholar of all things DMX-related, I’ve oft contemplated the life of our hero and have reached the conclusion that he is not prone to flights of fiction. To be clear: I don’t think he made a deal with the devil. I absolutely think he believes he is in league with Satan, though.

Charlie Daniels Band- The Devil  Went Down to Georgia

Of course this was gonna be on the list. But not for the obvious reasons one would assume.

The song tells the story of local hayseed named Johnny playing his fiddle, when the Devil appears and challenges him to a duel. After trading licks, the Devil is defeated and Johnny exclaims “I done told you once, you son of a bitch—I’m the best that’s ever been.”

Now while that’s an awesome line to scream at a bar when this song comes on, it belies a terrifying truth.

Consider this: Johnny, whom has nothing better to do all day than sit around in Bumblefuck, GA, is approached by a demonic entity whom he bests with relative ease. On the surface, this is a tribute to the greatness of mankind in the face of evil.

Or rather, the greatness of one man. Johnny. Here we have a person who wields power that defeats The Fallen One in just a few plucks of a fiddle. Just imagine if Johnny ever got fed up with Obama’s America and decided to unleash this unholy talent upon an unsuspecting populace.

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While we all may fear the Devil, I posit that the true horror in this story is our new overlord Johnny.

Sacrifyx- The Dark Book

If there’s a better fictional film featuring a made up band whose album unleashed a fake ancient evil, I’ve yet to find it.

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For those of us that grew up in the 80’s, “The Gate” was a one-way ticket to pissing your pants at a slumber party and forever being known as “Eats Too Much Asparagus DeLury.” It tells the story of the band Sacrifyx, and how backmasking their album is a surefire way to destroy the property value of your home.

Sacrifyx, along with being competent musicians, were also scholars insomuch that they were able to inscribe demonic incantations into their liner notes and album sleeve artwork. I can only imagine how that meeting with the label guys went.

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Unfortunately, all members of Sacrifyx died under mysterious circumstances. “The Dark Book” is their only album. But if you really wanna impress the girl at Unholy Empire Fridays with how CVLT you are, just tell her you’ve got a first run of the Sacrifyx LP.

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Pretty much every pop song ever, depending on who you believe.

Okay, truth time: when I pitched this, I thought it would be a slam dunk. Writing a bunch of halfassed jokes about devil songs? No sweat.

But looking at what other listicles out there have done, it’s kinda slim pickings. Of course every one of them has “Highway to Hell,” “Running With The Devil,” and so on. Basically, some writer just listed his iTunes playlist A-Z by song and that was that.

So in my painstaking research to give you the caliber of time-wasting idiocy you’ve come to demand, I stumbled upon a whole genre of satanic-minded music enthusiasts I never wanted to know existed.

That’s Rhianna, exposed for the Satanic Illuminati mouthpiece that she truly is. And it’s just not Rhianna. Everyone, and I mean everyone is apparently part of the New World Order to herald in the coming of the Antichrist.

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In retrospect, maybe I should have led with this. Hrm. Okay, I’m calling a mulligan and we’re gonna start this from scratch. Ready?

“Hey there, faithful reader! Wanna know the best songs that give praise to the devil? ALL OF THEM. NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM. CORPUS SATANI.”

The end

Wow, that made my job much easier. Thanks Satanic Illuminati!

 

 

(**Photoshops of The Damned courtesy of Amanda Mastenbrook**)

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